I am thick and tired. 🙄
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GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.