I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
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Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
Never be a pizza!
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?