Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

This seems like a really, really bad idea.

*jumps in with both feet*

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.

i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”

If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao

Noah

My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.

Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.