I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
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Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
don’t message me unless you have this energy
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.