I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
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*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Best misinterpreted text ever!
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.