Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that

The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.

Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience

2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?

no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered