Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie

Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

[mouse wedding]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”

Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know

After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.

Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars

Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.

Judge: That’s my job!