I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
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If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.