Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

that’s really how it is

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”

“You have 999 new matches”

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣

On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.

Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods