i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
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I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
A great tip. #CakeRex
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
this is literally a CIA plant
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Thank you 🥹
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.