Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.

a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle

If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days

One guy who hates calendars: Finally

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind

“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator

Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.

And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.

[on my deathbed]

“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”

*dies*

“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*

💀💀💀💀

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

happy birthday to me. i am 25.

“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.

When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!

All the slides were just pictures of me….

I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.

“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs