Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

man: wait

time: no

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?

9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

People can’t drive.

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??