I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
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Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.