I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
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I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week