I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
