I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
5 ways to appear taller
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Haha good job!!
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Seems legit
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
North and South
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
