I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
so i’m at the stock market right
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Good for him.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
