Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first date*

Her: So what animal would you be?

Me: Oh a cat for sure!

Her: Aw cute!

(Later that night)

Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*

Her: …Ok considerably less cute.

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:

-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma

Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

Judge: how do you plead?

Guy: well usually to my wife

Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating