I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

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I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.


I’m no Exorcist, but i did scare the hell out of someone once.


It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?


No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.


If by ticklish, you mean I’ll turn into a rabid chihuahua on bath salts if you come near my underarm, then yes I’m a little ticklish.


Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.


waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle


[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red


I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.