I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
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Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
I’d love this…lol
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.