@rohmontgomery

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

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@DothTheDoth

I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.

@FreudsTwin

I’m no Exorcist, but i did scare the hell out of someone once.

@TheBoydP

It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?

@simoncholland

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

@Rachelnoise

If by ticklish, you mean I’ll turn into a rabid chihuahua on bath salts if you come near my underarm, then yes I’m a little ticklish.

@RandomRamblr

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

@mrjohndarby

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle

@elle91

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

@LostFelicia

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.