Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume

Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”

Husband:

Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.

how to have fun when you’re poor

I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.