me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
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Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
New favorite tiktok
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Do you like vampires?
đźź© Nosferatu
âś… Yesferatu
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.