Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.

We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”

[Home Depot]

Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.

Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?

Me: No. It worked great

Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night

Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

I hope google does well on my son’s test

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again

Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.