Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.

“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”

-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.

Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?

Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat

Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.

selfie game

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

no refunds

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.