I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
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This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
