Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok

Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me

Genie: okay

Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel

Genie: k…

Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s

[McDonald’s]

Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂

Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*

Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs

Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?

Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me

As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

*crawls into windowless creeper van*

One kidnapping, please.

there are only 2 generations:

-America’s Funniest Home Videos

-Tik Toks

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.