I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
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Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .