I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
