I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
