I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
