I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
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me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe