Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?

Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.

If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?

Her: Someone tall.

Me: I’m over six feet.

Her: Someone who likes to travel.

Me: I’ve been to Japan.

Her: Someone with a steady job.

Me: I’ve been working since 1954.

Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?

Me: What? No… *Eats a train*

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.