Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

[on a date with a european]

Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.

“I said, ‘No’”

– me, about to give my dog my sandwich

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

wife: did you vacuum under the couch

me: yep I did the whole basement

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

In the Target toy aisles-

“No, please put that back”

“I said we aren’t buying anything today”

“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”

– and that’s just me to my husband

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

Hey i am sexy to you now

[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

any last words?