O Wise One….
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boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Oceanography is all about current events