Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.

I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

me: want to go to the ice rink?

friend: i can’t stand ice skating

me: you’ll be able to with practice

My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.

Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.

I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.

11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.

me: first off – get out of my house.

Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job

My Dog:

[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!

Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!