I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
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For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
yea so i messed up lol
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.