Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions

JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004

Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.