I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
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My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
😂🤣😂🤣
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped