I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
You Might Also Like
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.