I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
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*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
good for her
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.