Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

Her: your SO annoying!

Me: you’re 😐

😆

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.

I only need one finger to get my point across.

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.

Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense

I would bang you so hard

over the head
with a frying pan

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.