I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
You Might Also Like
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Put a ring on it
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.