I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
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Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
bro, you’re fine. you just need an impossible sequence of events to play out in perfect order against all odds and you’ll be fine
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I try
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
#titanic
