I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
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If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
this is the best day of my life
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?