Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”

The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.

I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

😂💯

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?

Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.

4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?

My wife:

Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.