I am yelling
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Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
smh
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.