i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
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Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather