I am yelling
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Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
If you had more money you’d be happier.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.