I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
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It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
let’s discuss
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
His flabber was gasted 😂
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
They did not miss in the small print
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.