I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

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The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.


*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”


I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, read, my tweets, like William, Shatner.


I lost 50 pounds by having my wallet stolen in London AND YOU CAN TOO


Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.


Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them

Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?

Me: Um no, just holding hands


I’m always a big fan of the prison teardrop tattoo. It says I’m sensitive but I’ve killed people.


interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes


ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in


ME: what