I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
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Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.