Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.

*on hold for over an hour

That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.

Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.

Marriage Counsellor: …

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this: