Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

Me: I could survive in the wild.

Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.

Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.

Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”

Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t

– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”

Doctor: So what brings you in today?

Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.

Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?

Dad:

Mom:

Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-

Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?

Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.