Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

Perfect

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

The internet is magic sometimes.

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

the three branches of government

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet

[meeting new people]

Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself

Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s

[takes tylenol and goes about the day]

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s

[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.

Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.

Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is