Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son: *counts to ten*

wife: good job

me: (smugly) eleven

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

god: you have outlived your purpose

dinosaurs: give us another chance

god: fine

dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?

the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this

Wife: our daughter just said shit.

Me: oh no! what do we do?

Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.

Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?

7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!

Me: Well I’m convinced.

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.

Dump her and find one with some money

when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful

customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it

Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES

One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

“You looked stressed”

Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?

Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.

No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!

[My dog watching me floss]

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.