Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

where it all went wrong:

“of course i know where we’re going”

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.

Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.