I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
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dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
#Caturday
