Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.

That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

It’s Monday, but at what cost?

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.

Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

“I will cook for you.” I threatened

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!

My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave