I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
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My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.