I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
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So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I don’t make the rules sorry
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.