I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
You Might Also Like
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
That’s a good costume, I hope.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Beauty and the Beast
