I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
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Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
What do you call it when a zoo paints common animals to look like more exotic species?
Fake Gnus
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
mathematicians be like “the limit does not exist” ok nerd then how come I’m at mine
You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
english majors be like furthermore
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.