HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
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I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
For the baby who has everything
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me: