I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
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My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.