I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
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If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
i now pronounce you bounced.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
it’s finally my moment to shine
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.