Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken

So…a deer was nice

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”

Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

me: i need to make a follow up appointment

receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday

me: no i only need one

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.

i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice

If your going to insult me at least make me Google it

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

I know a horrible idea when I see it.

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.

police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said: “That’s a…big step.”

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.

the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.

I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”