I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
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[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He鈥檚 hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you鈥檙e too old to do that & you can鈥檛 get up but you鈥檙e too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I鈥檝e been here for 2 days.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don鈥檛 worry this isn鈥檛 going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don鈥檛 know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad鈥檚 sneeze.
if i text you “馃ぉ” it means i have a starfish over each eye
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 馃檨
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 馃檲)
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
If I win Poweball we鈥檙e all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai鈥ake!
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.