I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
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my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that