Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human

Captcha:

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

*NEW*

For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.

PUNderwear ®

Comfort is No Laughing Matter™

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

This is my brand.

Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.

My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.

If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.

Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.

Him: why do you keep poking me ?

Her: I’m looking for the mute button

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden