I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
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*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
sorry I’m late, my dog was sleeping in the shape of a donut and I had to take 175 photos
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.