Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.

The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?

Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!

Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here

Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”

Dragons: what does it do?

Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.

Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?

There are hundreds.

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.

If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter