“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
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*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
respect
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying