Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

We are all just prisoners here of our phone device

Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.

Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*

Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”

Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

[ undercover stake out ]

me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you

donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

i hate you platonically

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks

Me: lets go get a drink!

Friend: what’s the occasion?

Me: …

Friend: …

Me: I don’t understand the question.

Has science gone too far?

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.