Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name

[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

[interview]

“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”

DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!

Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.

Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*